Failing.

This act of pretending isn't working for me.
I've tried to ignore your self-determined disappearance for days now and I can't put myself under such strain anymore.
I can't put it into words.
There is no string of letters and spaces to convey how sorry I am and how many questions are in my mind.
Overactivity.
It hits me in waves suddenly. In the car, on my way to sleep. Wonder surrounds with where you are now. Are you in a sleepy, coma like state? Are you forever evaporated in the clouds? Or, my greatest fear, far more suffering than imaginable. And yet I do. I imagine for endless hours instead of resting. Instead of eating. Instead of doing what I should- mourning.
I question how to do this though. So used to helping myself by helping those around me but I can't do that now. Just quietly bow my head. Wipe my eye. Stand back up. Move along.
Like Public Transit.
360 miles from where I could help or be near those who understand. How do I do this here?
How do I celebrate you or question you or mourn you or do anything?
How do I move along?

-A