In Disagreement.

I'm in love with your style baby,
But you're so intimidating.
Don't blame it on the color of you hair,
I'd take you out if I could dare.
But, oh,
I'm too scared.
I'm too scared.
Blow your smoke
into the air,
Still I'm too scared.

Why wasn't I born just a little more early?
I'm too young, nobody takes me seriously.
Don't blame it on your skinny bones,
If I could you know I'd pick up the phone.
But
You'll never know,
You'll never know.
Play your song, kick the drum,
But you'll never know.

-A

Nākta Mājas.

I replayed the moment over in my head,
I ran out the door,
I jumped on the bed.

I played the song you used to sing,
I closed my eyes,
It rained on me.

It rained on me,
It rained on me,
All night long,
It rained on me.

I heard your voice over the phone,
I asked you, "what?"
I miss the tone.

Jūsu mamma ir traka,
Kā man tevis pietrūkst.
I missed her so.

I missed her so,
I missed her so,
But nowhere near,
How I've missed you.

My fear flipped over as a switch,
I gave your book,
Resolved the glitch.

I don't want to write you a line,
I know that you'll run,
I know you'll hide.

I know you'll hide,
I know you'll hide,
My biggest fear,
I know you'll hide.

-A

Try.

I drive myself insane.
Anxious clicking and whirring and spinning,
follows my frail mind's sprint.
A picture could tell a story
worth a thousand words,
but I have none to say,
not a question or statement.
I am too afraid.
I'd rather invest myself in
avoiding confrontation.
Avoiding honesty which
seems so necessary,
seems important and basic.
Fear takes its place at night,
between the speed of light
and my face in front of this screen.

I'm trying to let go.
I'm trying to give up the apprehension
and just say what I want.
But I know all too well,
That trying doesn't exist.
There is only doing, and not doing.
And I am not doing.
Far too much to lose;
You.
-A

La-la-laaa

Wake up to the day
Hide my eyes, turn away
Remember the smoke
And last nights jokes,
Can you notice me, please
That's all I really need.
Just sing me a tune,
I'll listen to you.

But as it seems, no,
Seen through like a ghost,
I'd lay there in the bed
With the one thing you'd said,
"I've watched this movie once,"
Then I'd make myself some lunch.

Sing me your song,
I'll hum along,
Show me your room
I can see right through,
Dreaming of different ways,
to convince you to stay.
Too hot then too cold,
Like refrigerator mold.

-A

It'd be Nice.

I must be out of my mind,
To imagine these things,
All intertwined.
I return each night hoping you’ll see me,
Maybe you’ll find…

And oh, the daily grind,
Not the beans,
I’d like to unwind,
Can I just have all for myself
A piece of your mind?

In your mind,
On my mind,
In your mind,
I won’t mind.

Perhaps I’m blind,
I just hear you sing
All the time inside my mind,
Id steal you away and you won’t even mind.

If I gave a sign,
Some signal,
Symbol of some kind, will it be in time,
To listen, to resign?

If I wrote some line,
To hide in this mask,
Stare from behind, if the system aligns,
Could you drop me a line?

In your mind,
On my mind.
In your mind,
I won’t mind.
In your mind,
On my mind.
In your mind,
All the time.

Something.

Yours is the first face I have seen. Eights aligned followed by pegasus after I drove by your home. I had cried but now we're here and i'll just hide again.
Something still draws me near. Something strangely attractive. Something that i've given up on before but keep returning to in my subconscious. It strangles me in my sleep through my dream catcher using my pillow. And when I awaken, like an accidental lover, it disappears from the mistake personified by my body.
Something in your voice, something in your drunken ways, a music resonating in the chambers of my soul. You show up by association at the most obscure moments. Your something is everywhere. On the streets, in my car, in my coffee, on and on. It distracts and disturbs. Saves and protects. Such division with such consistency.
I am recklessly abandoning these inhibitions of mine. I have a quiet love for these things. It is deep and it lingers on. I am in love with the brotherhood. I am in love with the spectacles. With the addiction. The sound of your spirit. I am in love between the pages and only there.
-A

Failing.

This act of pretending isn't working for me.
I've tried to ignore your self-determined disappearance for days now and I can't put myself under such strain anymore.
I can't put it into words.
There is no string of letters and spaces to convey how sorry I am and how many questions are in my mind.
Overactivity.
It hits me in waves suddenly. In the car, on my way to sleep. Wonder surrounds with where you are now. Are you in a sleepy, coma like state? Are you forever evaporated in the clouds? Or, my greatest fear, far more suffering than imaginable. And yet I do. I imagine for endless hours instead of resting. Instead of eating. Instead of doing what I should- mourning.
I question how to do this though. So used to helping myself by helping those around me but I can't do that now. Just quietly bow my head. Wipe my eye. Stand back up. Move along.
Like Public Transit.
360 miles from where I could help or be near those who understand. How do I do this here?
How do I celebrate you or question you or mourn you or do anything?
How do I move along?

-A