Good Lord...

My sister is attempting guitar whilst serenading my dog about Cockerspaniels and Hurricanes and how Chris Brown is black and white... sorta. Emphasis on the Cock. Hilarity.

These past two days were filled with lots of walking around some cool campuses. Currently I've narrowed my choices of universities down to... (Drumroll please)
1. St. Edwards University
2. UT
3. Texas State @ San Marcos

and the problems with each are...

1. Money. Not Enough of it.
2. I won't get in.
3. It's too far away from Austin.

Speaking of money.... $110,000 for four years of schooling?! Ridiculous. Hopefully I'll get tons of scholarships. Apparently St Eds hands 'em out like candy.

This is depressing. Wafflehouse will make me feel better later.

-A

Hoo-ah!

I'm makin' dessert tonight...
Grilled peaches with a blackberry glaze garnished with mint and fresh whipped cream. Dang.

The only reason I'm mentioning this is because i'm about to start a strict food regiment. And by strict I mean, No fast food, no soda, as little sugar as possible. The only exception to this will be coffee. Why, you ask? Because its good for me. And I think I need a change.

I feel somewhat stuck in a rut. I'm always waiting, wishing, hoping... Never Doing, or being, or knowing. I still need a flippin' bike. And to figure my whole school situation out.

I spent most of my day in the rain today, which was, surprisingly nice. Although 80% of today's adventures turned out to be a bummer, the 20% pretty well overruled everything else. I love old friends coming home to visit. I do not love grapevine mills AMC 30. They are jerks.

I've reconsidered starting my book back up again. We'll see how that goes.

In the meantime, the downtime, and the good times,
-A

Finally got a letter.

"I was on the couch the night before you left...
You gave me two marker tattoos on my forearm
and two kisses on the forehead.

I was on your porch the morning you left...
The smoke sank into my skin while we
intertwined with cats in our laps.

I was lost in downtown the night you left...
We visited you in your hotel just before they
shaved your head and shipped you out.

Its been two weeks since you left...
I've never been so proud and scared
all at the same time. "

-A

It...

Surprises me how easily my mood can be changed just from a phone call.

I went from dreadful to beaming in a matter of seconds. Anyone have any good photos of me?

-A

I've made up my mind.

I wanna travel for the rest of my life.

It seems that getting married probably won't happen, anyways. So, I'm off to Thailand or Venice or whatever floats my boat. Get it?

It seems my whole life post-childhood has been about branching out while being safe. I was such a safe kid. I didn't hang upside down. I didn't jump from swingsets. I didnt break my arms. Probably out of fear. I'm probably branching out because of fear too- fear that if i don't then I'll be stuck living with my parents until I'm 23. Yikes. Like that'll ever happen...

But! Since my Austin plans are falling through, maybe it'll teach me that I don't have my life all mapped out. I need to risk it and go somewhere totally different for once. Or twice. Or as many times as I enjoy.

"In the morning, through the window shade, with the light pressed up against your shoulderblade, I could see what you were reading. "

Hallelujah...

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

I've decided that I think of myself as a lot more than I really am. I am not what I perceive. I see myself as a smart, unique, weird girl who will wind up with someone just as weird and smart and unique. Truth is... I'm just a normal boring kid. Just trying to find my way...

Today I found a tube of little white capsules containing the chemical compounds intended to make my mother happy. Which in turn, makes everyone else unhappy. I'm not sure that they work on her. I'm not sure they'll work on anyone. And either way, I'm not what can make her happy anyways. Nah, not her kids, not her husband, just some little pill marked with a letter. What does it stand for? who knows... what do I stand for?...

Its gone from too sparce...

to too often! Hah. Maybe I'm just bored.

That's probably more likely.

Yesterday was my first good day in a while. These past few months have been more filled with reminders of my boring childhood than probably any other time in my life... I've reverted back to being between the ages of 8 and 12. And, strangely enough, playing hot lava monster with two kids I'd just met and two very dear friends has taught me more about myself than anything else this year. I'm losing my nostalgia, and living in the moment. Trying new things, meeting new people, forgetting about the person/people who make me regret the good times. Being a kid is helping me grow... Hm.

I'm gonna take the time now to say that I am really thankful for these new friends. And for my best ones. They keep my feet steady and my head from whirling into darkness. They are a beam of sunshine in my otherwise cloudy life. I love you, all. The photo is of Aaron drawing the crab on my arm, my favorite tattoo of the night before he left.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry, I know its been a while.

This week/few days has been crazy.
I can't even begin to describe how much I need to get out of here...

PREFACE: this is gonna be a rant. Sorry.

I feel. So worthless. At the beginning of the week, I went to a meeting with some recruiters from UT austin. My dream school. And, I learned that it is my dream school for a reason; it will stay in my dreams. I'm no where close to qualified to go there. I wish that I could just pass 30 people in my class with the snap of a finger, but they take the transcript from the end of your junior year, which I didn't know. So, I'm not gonna make it. Maybe I'll settle for somewhere close to Austin. Maybe I'll give up. Maybe I'll reconsider Austin all together. Pah, that's unlikely...

After that, the extremely bittersweet part of my week began. I began spending time with an awesome human being who just happened to leave for the army within the next 29 hours. This is gonna be a very long 14 weeks. I have the worst timing in the world.

The next night, we went to go visit him in the hotel he had to stay at before being flown to Georgia. Which was incredibly fun. Howeverrr, on our way back home, we got VERY VERY lost. I expected to be home at like 1130 and I got home at 1. So I got very grounded. Which really sucked. Things need to slow down. Or speed up. I can't decide.

So, then the next day... (this just keeps gettin' better, eh?) I had four cavities filled. most don't understand that I am deathly afraid of surgery/anything involving my teeth. I got there and had a mini panic attack before actually laughing at my face. I could only half smile for about three hours, and Linds just laughed at me while I drooled and attempted to speak but, to no avail. Hah.

I tried hookah for the first time this week, too. Don't try the Sex on the Beach flavor. It sucks. Hah! I feel like I need a change.

input?